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Love and
Relationships
The "Fab Five" Centenarians from the
Barbara Walters Special:
Our elders are way ahead
of us on this score, I have to
admit. There is a long-running joke
around the Sun Cities of
Arizona that
the best enhancer for romance in
recent years was the cell phone –
because people could take it with
them wherever they were sleeping and
if their kids called, they would be
“covered.” Now, of course, with GPS
tracking devices, this could pose a
problem, but thanks to Barbara
Walters’s mention of Dorothy Young
as being her favorite among the
centenarians because of her
boyfriend (sure glad I invited Stan
to join us in New York!) when
talking about the centenarians on
the longevity special, and using
this as an example of it being
“never too late” – meaning for
romance and relationships – I think
the die is cast. This once taboo
topic is out in the open now, along
with Ms. Walters’s disclosures from
her life, and this is a welcome
relief and acknowledgment of the
reality of life in later years,
really later years – into our 80s,
90s and even 100 and beyond! Click
to view a video about Dorothy and
her life.
Among our “Fab
Five” centenarians, Dr. Karl
Hartzell, who is as conservative and
proper a gentleman as they come,
remarried at the age of 87 and
outlived his second wife, also. In
Dorothy’s case, Ms. Walters was
drawn to the fact that Dorothy had
found love “for the first time”
after 46 years of marriage (more on
that another time). But Dr.
Hartzell had a “lovely family and a
wonderful wife,” as he tells us.
And yet, he went on to find love
again – different, to be sure, but a
meaningful relationship all the
same. What is outstanding about
both Dorothy’s ten year relationship
with Stan and Karl’s second marriage
is that their families embraced the
new relationships. This is not
always the case. And now that I
think of it, Dr. Frank Shearer, the
“water skiing man” shown on the
Barbara Walters Special, married his
second wife when he was in his late
80s – and with his daughter’s
blessing. Considerately, he asked
Marilene’s opinion before proposing;
he didn’t want her to feel that he
was replacing her mother. But
Marilene, a gracious and generous
woman, told him that she was happy
that he had found love again – and
they are all very close and the
second Mrs. Shearer is very much a
part of the family.
Now Rosie is a
different example altogether! Let’s
face it – he’s a quintessential
showman, a musician – with a
reputation to match! After five
marriages – Rosie has a hilarious
story to tell about the
second-to-last one. More about that
later; for now, think “Frankie and
Johnny!”
Rosie at 100 was proud
(and fond) of saying that he “liked
the ladies as much as he did at 20,”
and in fact had a girlfriend for
about a year when he was 99 to
100-plus. They split up shortly
after the Genworth Commercial shoot
because she wanted to get married,
he said, and he was “done with
that!” AND, Rosie’s longtime
roommate, Doc Cotts, who lived with
Rosie in his home in Mayer, Ariz.,
after Rosie was widowed, had a very
long running and very nice
“platonic” relationship with a
“neighbor lady.” They traveled
extensively for about 15 years, to
exotic places such as Turkey and Russia and adventurous locales like Alaska; they took comfortable cruises to Hawaii and the Caribbean,
and “did the Grand Tour of Europe,”
as Mary said. They had a wonderful
time for about 15 years, and would
see each other every day, and every
Friday night they would go out
together to the Pine Cone Inn for
dinner and to hear Rosie play. They
even had their special table to the
right front of the stage and enjoyed
dancing to Rosie’s music.
So romance in later years
has been around, well, probably
always – it’s just that we didn’t
live as long before. I’m very happy
to have the opportunity to talk
about this now, because it’s an
important part of our quality of
life in later years. Others, such
as Elsa and Kit (the dancer on the
Special), and most often women, say
that their husbands were the love of
their lives and they wouldn’t want
another. And yet they, too, once
widowed, find relationships that
provide an interest and a support
for them and that enhance their
lives.
For Elsa, it is clearly
her social life, with many, many
friends. She speaks openly about
having never wanted to remarry or
even have a romantic interest after
she lost her husband, despite being
10 years younger than her husband,
and surely with lots of
opportunities. As anyone can see,
Elsa is both elegant and
beautiful. And Kit has found solace
during the long years of widowhood,
since she was in her early forties,
by being the matriarch of her
close-knit family.
Lillian’s story is a
combination of both of these worlds.
She never wanted to remarry, she
told me, but she had many, many
suitors and boyfriends over the
years since she lost her husband.
Her granddaughter, Alyson, tells of
two of Lillian’s suitors. Click
for Lillian's web page.
Lillian is such a sweetheart – she
thinks it’s because she’s petite
that men are so attracted to her,
and always have been!
And so, there is a lot to
look forward to in our later years –
and a lot of possibilities! And
once again, centenarians are leading
the way.
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Excerpt from
"Centenarians: The Bonus Years"
Chapter 6: The Will to Live, The Courage to
Grow Old
LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS
Centenarians maintain that one never
outgrows the need for love and relationships
and that having someone who cares keeps life
interesting. They give witness to the
undeniable desire to remain connected with
others, either intimately or socially
through contact with the community,
organizations, and friends.
The Centenarian Wish List
continues with Viva Johnson, 100, of
Corning, Iowa, who says, “I wish older
people had more love in their Lives!’ Like
many of her contemporaries, Viva says it is
important to her how she is regarded by
family, friends, and her community, where
she has been a long-time resident. “I want
people to like me;’ she tells. Viva lives
with her daughter in a loving and welcoming
environment, surrounded by her extended
family, who visit her often. She plays the
piano for entertainment at family
gatherings, a talent she first displayed as
an accompanist in the local movie theater
for silent movies. Viva typifies the
feelings of many centenarians and others of
advanced age. People who throughout their
lives have been open and receptive and
interested in others, want friends,
acquaintances, as well as relatives, to
remain central in their lives.
Despite this wish and the
related desire, an older person’s actual
relationships often change dramatically,
leading a number of centenarians to say
that the hardest thing about being old is
the loneliness. Many centenarians and others
of advanced age have outlived not only their
spouses but also some, or all, of their
children. The majority of centenarians,
especially women, have been widowed for
decades. Some have been alone for almost as
long a time as they were married; some for
longer, such as Vita Hancock, 101, of
Homeland, florida, who has lived alone for
forty-five years since her husband died. A
much smaller percentage of centenarians have
never married. Of those who have remarried
late in life, most are men.
Many
centenarians without spouses have developed
close relationships with their children,
usually daughters, or with other family
members, such as a sister or grandchild.
These bonds help fortify them in their later
years. Others, such as Hedvig Peterson, who
has been a widow for almost thirty years and
with no children, have developed close
relationships with friends through church
and community organizations. As her cousin
observed, “Heddy has the ability to make
friends among all generations. She is
interested in them and keeps up with current
trends and events that are important in the
lives of younger people. After her husband
died, Heddy set about making friends and
built a support network which has sustained
her through these many years. She has
actively reached out to others and has made
them important in her life. She is loved and
admired. Heddy continues to do everything
she can for herself. But if she does need
help, there are a dozen people close by who
would come immediately to her aid. People in
the community think of her as an inspiration
and an asset to the neighborhood.”
This bond with others is very
important. Whether one lives alone, she with
family members, or in a care center, the
need for social involvement and community is
apparent. People can help support the will
to live and interest in life in our eldest
citizens and help alleviate some the of the
loneliness by giving them just a little time
and attention and by creating opportunities
for our eldest citizens to remain connected
to a community. James Lee Moss of Lewisburg,
Tennessee, verbalized what a lot of his
peers feel: “I like attention and to be
noticed. As of 103, and I’m proud to be
here!’
| Mary Ogburn, 105, of Mesa,
Arizona, illustrates how socialization and
relationships with others can improve life
and strengthen one’s will. “Mother has lived
with me for many years;’ says Ruth Silides.
“She has always been a cheerful, outgoing
person, never complains, and is nice and
friendly with everyone. She always enjoyed
being with people. But as she grew very old,
the opportunities for social activities got
less. Most of her friends died, and there
were fewer places I could take her out to
enjoy because her hearing got bad and so did
her eyesight. We have always been very
close, but I work during the day, and she
was alone for a lot of hours. Last year, at
104, she began to decline; her spirits
dropped, and she seemed to be losing
interest in the world around her for the
first time since I’ve known her. She would
sit home alone most of the day and watch
television or sleep. She was always tired. I
finally convinced her to go to the day care
center, which is part of the senior center,
two days a week. At first she didn’t want to
go and when I took her, she said she didn’t
like being there. But within two weeks, I
began to see a difference. She was brighter,
more interested in everything, more like
herself. Then I learned she had made two new
friends, both women in their eighties. Now,
six months later, she looks forward to going
to be with her friends and enjoys the
activities at the center. She is much
improved over a year ago!’
Mary celebrated her 105th
birthday with a large party at the day-care
center. She gave sprigs of heather to each
guest to wear, a reminder of her native
Scotland. A local doctor took time from his
busy schedule to play several of her
favorite songs on the bagpipes. When the
pipes skirled “Happy Birthday;’ tears filled
Mary’s eyes. They were tears of remembrance
for times past, and they were tears of joy
and of appreciation for the present
camaraderie of family and friends gathered
in celebration of her life.
Gertrude Skerston, 100, of
Dennisport, Massachusetts, basks in the
warmth and love she receives from her
daughter. She tells that her daughter’s
presence nearby gives her peace of mind and
happiness. Gertrude lives alone in her own
home and has a homemaker come two hours each
day. Her daughter and son-in-law live in the
house behind her. “My daughter sees to it
that I get to bed every night;’ she says
contentedly. ‘A hug from someone who cares
at bedtime is better than a sleeping pill.”
Centenarians are also coming up
with creative living arrangements and
developing new relationships to help meet
their needs and yet preserve their autonomy.
One enterprising centenarian of Salt Lake
City has worked out a successful living
arrangement that allows her to stay in her
own home. For many years, she has invited a
married couple each year from nearby Brigham
Young University to live with her. “It works
out just fine;’ she says. “The students have
a place to live and enough room and privacy
to study, and I have help with what I need.
We share the cooking and take our meals
together frequently. I enjoy the lively
conversation. It’s nice having young people
around, and it keeps me in touch and
up-to-date!’ Her family also lives nearby
and visits often.
For centenarians Agnes Tappe,
105, and Lillian Heller, 106, of Freeport,
Illinois, neither of whom ever married, the
answer to companionship in their later
years came in sharing those years together.
They were girlhood friends who lived within
blocks of each other. Their friendship
continued, and their lives became more
entwined when Lillian’s brother married
Agnes’s sister. They began to help raise the
nieces, nephews, great-nieces and
great-nephews who followed. Sixteen years
ago, they entered St. Joseph’s Home as
roommates.
Other centenarians have found
the answer to companionship in their later
years by remarrying. Louis Kelly was eighty
and a widower for three years when he met
Dorothy, seventy-one. “We met in the spring
and were married in the fall;’ he says.
Louis and Dorothy recently celebrated their
twenty-third anniversary.
The Reverend Joseph Penn was
eighty-five when he married for the second
time; he and his wife celebrated seventeen
years together. Centenarian Frank Rowels of
Houston, Missouri, was in his mid-eighties
also the second time around: “I married for
the first time at twenty-nine and was
married for forty-six years. We had eight
children. After my wife died in 1965, I met
Virginia, who is a year younger than I am.
We married five years later, when I was
eighty and she was seventy-nine. We have
been married for twenty-one years and
holding. We have grown old together. A few
years ago, we came to live with my daughter.
Recently Virginia’s health began to fail,
and she now lives at a nursing home nearby
where she can get the care she needs. I go
to visit with her every day. My daughter
takes me, even though it isn’t her mother,
because she knows it is important to me. I
feel it is my duty to be with my wife, and,
besides, I want to be. She celebrated my
100th birthday with me in 1988 and I
celebrated with her in 1989. That’s pretty
remarkable, isn’t it? When we married, we
thought we’d have only a few years together.
It’s important to us to be together as much
as we can. It’s hard to be separated now.
Just because men and women grow old doesn’t
mean they stop loving or caring or wanting
to be together!’
For
centenarian couple Ben and Gladys Pruitt,
the years of caring and commitment span not
only their old age and their centennials but
their youth and middle age, as well. They
are one of the very few centenarian couples
to reach a diamond (seventy-fifth)
anniversary and beyond. In May 1991, they
celebrated their seventy-eight wedding
anniversary.
For many years, the Pruitts
lived alone in Springfield, Oregon, in an
old farmhouse they purchased when they
retired. They developed hobbies and pastimes
and interests that they did together, such
as oil painting, and other interests that
they pursued individually. “I think it’s the
ideal way to get along and to spend so many
years together,” Ben tells. When poor health
required that Gladys move to a nursing home,
Ben moved in, too, because he didn’t want to
be without her. |
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1998-2018 National Centenarian Awareness Project & Lynn Peters
Adler, J.D.
No material, in whole or in part, may be reprinted
or reproduced in any form without the prior written permission
of Lynn Peters Adler and the National Centenarian Awareness Project.
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